Soul Fucking: A How-To
Updated: May 29, 2019
A number of readers asked me to provide a “how to” for my recent blog: “Soul Fucking.” While I did touch upon the elements in that blog, I will do my best to expand upon them here.
Perhaps you’ve read my first blog and it had you thinking: “yeah right, I don’t know who she’s been sleeping with, but that candy train just does not coming rolling through this bedroom.”
Well, maybe I can break it down into more digestible pieces here and at the very least offer hope for some “Soul Fucking” to manifest in your future.
First off, for SF to flourish and even be possible, the ground must be fertile, and the fertilizer is consciousness.
When two conscious, awakened souls get together, there exists the possibility for a much deeper lever of truth, presence, openness and surrender.
From here, our sexual encounters have the potential to evolve into something much more spiritual and profound as long as the partners are game and have been emotionally potty trained (i.e. consciously awakened and regularly working through their own shit).
So, how does one get to higher, consciously fertilized ground?
The process breaks down roughly like this:
There exists a desire to grow, learn, evolve and “wake the fuck up.” We embrace that there is more to get out of life and/or our threshold for pain and suffering has been met.
We engage in active choices for meaning and self-discovery through various outlets and vehicles.
We integrate our findings into our daily lives through committed practice, and then…
We give responsible and grown up attention to our internal states and accept that this will be an ongoing and unending process—like dirty laundry, there will always be more to wash.
This is the “yellow brick road” of a consciously awakening seeker.
Seekers, by design, will naturally seek out the tributaries and portals needed to facilitate their awakening. These can present themselves in many forms; parents, children, siblings, books, therapy, yoga, meditation, heartbreak, illness, aging, birth, death—and of course, fellow seekers.
Fellow seekers, and only fellow seekers, provide us the potential for “Soul Fucking.”
Ok, I’m on the “yellow brick road” and I’ve found a fellow seeker, now what?
Soul Fucking is all about the ability to let go, to release, to “undo.” We all have our outer layers that have so foolishly adorned our fragile hearts. We wear this armor and stand guard at the gates of our gilded walls because we are absolutely terrified of pain from things like rejection, abandonment and loneliness. We fear having our darkness seen because we expect that it will be unacceptable to our partners, after all, it has always been unacceptable to us.
The tragic irony is that all of these “protective layers” have instead managed to keep us shut out and closed off to the very thing we most long for: deep love and intimate connection. Simply put, our fortress is divine insanity.
The love and connection we crave, may only be had by a completely open heart.
Until we are willing to begin peeling away our layers in and out of the bedroom, and allowing ourselves to be seen, we will not be able to get a taste of “Soul Fucking.”
This is where a shitload of courage comes into play.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell
The letting go continuum…
First, we must accept the uncomfortable nature of being real, raw and exposed and be willing to see that discomfort for what it truly is: our portal to bliss.
There is no tolerance here for censorship or self-conscious chitchat. There can be no lingering concern over how our fat rolls appear, how our last boyfriend did that nipple thingy way better, how our primal moans sound to our partner, or thoughts about what we’ll have later for dinner.
We must be 200 percent present, focused, engaged, vulnerable, trusting, self-aware without being self-conscious and most of all fucking fearless.
Then, our bodies can become the vehicle we use to transmit this vibrant, pulsating, electrical current of raw bliss, sparking and igniting the neural pathways of our universe, the only universe that matters in that moment. And if we’re truly letting go, we will be in such an elevated and altered state that mind chatter will have nowhere to propagate. The ego will have to surrender; we will have discovered “the space between.”
This is very fertile ground.
It’s a lofty goal for most of us to get to a place where mind chatter completely shuts down and our outer layers have been peeled.
We are all, at best, “bodhisattvas in training”; this is a process and a practiceand when we find a partner who is also devoted to their quest for awakened consciousness, then together, we can commit to this practice and chip away at it. Little by little, the intensity, openness, spiritual nature and energetic connection we feel will expand and heighten.
The good news: homework is a ton of fun here.
Besides doing our “awakened consciousness homework” outside of the bedroom, there are a few things we can try during sex to help facilitate the letting go process.
When our pesky monkey mind comes a knockin’ with distracting thoughts, try a simple, brief mantra that resonates. I like the question: “Is it true?” which comes from Byron Katie’s work. It instantly weakens the charged thought and makes us question its accuracy.
Practice holding eye contact with our partner and pushing it well past our usual comfort zone.
Synchronizing our breath either in harmony or in a catch and release fashion: I inhale his exhale; he inhales mine.
Set the stage appropriately considering: location, lighting, time of day, music (or not), candles, etc., anything that is mutually desired and conducive to intimacy.
Be honest and communicative—what feels good, what doesn’t, what’s something new we would we like to try?
Most of all, we must lighten up and give ourselves the freedom to be human and flawed. We are not always going to get it just right; we will have awkward, fumbling and ungraceful moments.
We will release pussy farts and anal ones as well, we will laugh at the “wrong” time, cry at the “wrong” time, talk too much, talk too little, make weird lustful sounds, drip and drag fluids everywhere, and do all kinds of other things that have to be absolutely 100% okay.
It is a decision to make whether or not we want to experience this level of deep intimacy with our partners, and if that is our decision, then we must choose to commit to the practice and give it our best shot. With openness, honesty and trust we can certainly expect that “Soul Fucking” is well within our reach.
Originally published on Elephant Journal